So drunk its hurt
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I want to fling myself into the sun
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