his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
A+ Viking dick
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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