chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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