If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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