...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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