I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
