There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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