I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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