So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
