Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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