I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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