Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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