apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize