Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
