all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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