For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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