Will you blow on my dice?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
