U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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