If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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