Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize