did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
