dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
