Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize