i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
