So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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