theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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