I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
