i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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