True but thats because hes a fetus.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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