broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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