So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
