I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
