my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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