I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
