this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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