That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
