Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
