Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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