WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
