I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
