He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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