apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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