My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
