how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
