I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
