she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize