Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
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