he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
