Only a mothe r could love this liver
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
