you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
