just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
