I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
