I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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