Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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