finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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