my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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