fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just come out here and I will go home with you...
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
