I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
